We would like to invite you to take a thorough look into all the resources offered here at the Living Realization site and participate in whatever degree you feel comfortable.

Living Realization is a book and a Method, involving online meetings. The e-book [.pdf] is available on this site for direct purchase now.

The basic invitation in LIVING REALIZATION is to:

• Recognize Awareness
• Let all appearances be as they are
• See that all appearances are inseparable

*Appearances are thoughts, emotions, states, sensations, and experiences.

Are you ready:

• To see why it is that you suffer?
• To learn why you seek but do not find ongoing contentment?
• To move beyond these self-centered patterns?

Living Realization is a method for falling in love with your present experience. This is freedom, right in the midst of whatever is happening in your life. Begin now!

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The Core Deficiency and Relationship

The core deficiency is the core story related to the self center. Most people carry a deficiency story that strikes at the very heart of who they think they are. The sense of separation carries with it an emotional wound that arises along with a mental story of being deficient in some way. The story may or may not be conscious, and is often illuminated through relationship. The Unfindable Inquiry can be used to see through the story, and the emotional wound that comes with it.

Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. We grow up thinking that we are deficient in some way.  As we move through life, others appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. This deficiency story comes in many forms, including “I’m not good enough,” “I’m broken,” “I’m unlovable,” “I don’t count,” “I’m imperfect,” and “I’m not valued.”  This story makes us seek outside ourselves, in objects and people, for what we think we lack within. It makes us try to control the actions of others in an attempt to feel more at ease with ourselves. This strengthens the belief in separation, keeping the core deficiency story in place.

If we look, we can see that the mirroring is happening in every direction. Relationship is a mirror through which we can see the reflection of our core identity. We seek love from others because we feel unlovable. We seek enlightenment, recovery, or self-improvement because we feel as if we are missing something at the core. We seek praise, attention, and acknowledge through employment and other endeavors because we feel invalid or worthless.

To get a sense of how much the deficiency story affects how you move and act in the world (and in relationship), try this out: imagine yourself—the deficient self—sitting in the middle of a room, with all the people and other objects in your life placed around you in a circle. Go around the whole circle, looking at each object and person. As you look at each person or object, notice what you are seeking from them or what you are trying to control with regard to their actions and behavior. Notice how each object or person mirrors back to you how you are deficient in some way. Notice how you seek love, validation, pleasure, praise, attention, value, and worth from these people and things. This panoramic view of your relationship to all the objects and people in your life illuminates your deficiency story clearly.  By naming it, you can begin to see through it. Only a story of deficiency, which assumes that something fundamental is missing from your core, would look to other objects and people to provide what seems to be missing.

We can spend years trying to analyze ourselves or work through issues, one by one, as they pop up in relationship. This can be tedious, even if it is helpful on some level. In this method, we invite you to go deeper, using relationship to illuminate the core deficiency story. You can then use the Unfindable Inquiry to see that there is no separate, deficient self.

You don’t have to bog yourself down with analysis about how you are deficient and how you can become a better person. Instead, pay attention to your body. When you are already resting in thought-free awareness, throughout the day, you are in the perfect position to notice what emotional energies arise related to certain stories you tell yourself or certain relationships in which you are involved. The deficiency story shows up largely in the body, like a deep wound of pain, anger, sadness, or fear. You don’t even have to use the Unfindable Inquiry, if you are open to simply relaxing the story of deficiency for a few seconds, and letting the emotional energy arise and fall freely. Sit with the most painful emotions related to the deficiency story, but without trying to analyze, neutralize, change, or get rid of them.

If you find it too difficult to simply allow the emotion without a story, then use relationship as a way to wake up from the story.

When the wound arises in relationship, inquiry in the following way:

1.  What is this person mirroring back to me about my deficient self?

2.  Find that deficient self (do this by looking at each thought, emotion, and sensation that seems to make it up; see that you cannot find the actual deficient self, only these individual arisings coming and going to awareness).

With regard to the first question, just name the deficiency: I am unloved; I am not worthy; I am imperfect; I don’t count; I’m not valid; I’m weak; I’m nothing; I’m a loser; I’m unsafe; or I’m insecure.  In number two, try to find that deficient self using the Unfindable Inquiry. In doing the inquiry, whenever the wound appears, the deficient self is seen as unfindable and empty. This naturally allows you to move more peacefully, lovingly, compassionately, fearlessly, and openly in relationship and in all endeavors in life.

• If you are looking at a thought and the thought seems to be the “deficient self,” it always means that there is some sensation or emotion arising with the thought.

If the body reacts in any way to the question, “Is this thought it?” just say, “Yes, this is it.” Then bring your bare naked attention immediately into the body and experience the emotion or sensation directly, letting it be exactly as it is, without trying to change or get rid of it. If you find your mind labeling the emotion or sensation with  words such as “fear,” “anger,” or “contraction,” ask yourself, “Is the word ‘fear’ the deficient self? If it is not, then relax all thoughts for a few seconds, and experience the energy of the emotion or sensation, without any labels or analysis.  Simply sit with the raw sensory experience itself, resting in thought-free awareness. And then ask, “Is this energy the self?” If you see that it is not, let it be as it is, without trying to change or get rid of it. Simply allowing an emotion to be as it is, once you see that it is not the deficient self, its very healing! It frees up the energy to move and change naturally, often dissolving on its own.

• If an emotion or sensation in the body seems to be the deficient self, it always means that there is a thought arising along with the sensation or emotion.

Find out what thought that is.  Remember, it will always be words or pictures, or some combination of the two. Then look directly at the words or the picture and ask, “Is this it, the deficient self?” Whenever you find anything that is not it, relax in thought-free awareness for a few seconds, really feeling into the experience of just being aware, plainly and simply. Relax in the unfindability of the deficient self. While relaxing, allow all appearances to come and go, but without trying to manage or give any meaning to them. There is no need to try and get rid of any of these appearances, once you see that they are not the deficient self. They tend to quiet or dissolve on their own.  The deficient self is an imaginary story we developed in early childhood. It’s like a movie that has been running in the deepest recesses of our imagination. In pulling up the main thoughts, emotions, and sensations of this movie, we make the story of deficiency conscious. We see that it is just a story and that it is empty—meaning unfindable in our direct, present experience when we look more closely.

LIVING RELATIONSHIP e-book is now available as a direct download.

I meet with many people who are either living or working with perfectionists and struggling in those relationships or, who are “self-proclaimed” perfectionists struggling with this particular mindset.

A perfectionist can walk into a room or enter a situation and immediately see what is wrong. Many, many things seem wrong right off the bat. A perfectionist often believes that things are inherently wrong, as if the “wrongness” has nothing to do with her thoughts.The wrongness feels deeply embedded into experience, into things, people, and situations themselves.

A friend, who is a self-proclaimed perfectionist, told me the story of coming home from work each day and finding himself complaining immediately to his spouse about how the day could have been so much better and how the house looked messed up in his eyes. This friend found himself experiencing difficulty in many relationships, not just with his wife. He found himself in conflict with his boss, some of his co-workers, his spouse, family members, and friends. In his mind, he is always just trying to help! He is trying to assist everyone in getting it “right.”

To a perfectionist, things seem inherently imperfect.

• Perfectionists deal with anger a particular way. They suppress it.  It’s still there, under the surface, but it never quite expresses itself fully.

• Perfectionists often recoil away from conflict, choosing instead a more familiar mode of interacting—complaining and judging. The anger right under the surface turns to judgment before it reaches the point of being expressed. And this is how the suppression happens.  All that energy of anger just lies around, tucked away, fueling more and more judgment.

• A perfectionist is often totally blind to how harsh her energy appears to others.

But the perfectionist’s tendency to judge outwardly is really only a symptom of something else—an inner view of herself as imperfect. “I am imperfect” is the core wound of the perfectionist. And this is precisely why so much of the conditioning is geared towards trying to make things right. The outer imperfect world is a reflection of the inner imperfect self.

Sometimes perfectionists are aware enough to see this going on, and sometimes they are operating more blindly.

In resting in brief moments [without thoughts], frequently during the day, a perfectionist can start to notice the non-conceptual perfection that is inherent in existence each time she rests in presence. In Dzogchen, this is called “the Natural Perfection.”

In a moment of relaxing all viewpoints, a perfectionist is invited to just look around the room and in her environment and notice that, when thought isn’t arising, nothing is really wrong. It can be incredibly powerful for a perfectionist to see this perfection inherent in thought-free presence.

When a perfectionist is taking such a moment, she is likely to begin seeing something in the room or in her experience or life as “wrong.” But right when something seems wrong, she can notice that it is a thought arising. The thing itself is not wrong. It is the thought about the thing that delivers the message that the thing is wrong.

There is a layer of conditioning constantly operating in the mind of a perfectionist. And it’s a bunch of thoughts that essentially say the same thing, “This is wrong.” By merely seeing these thoughts, as often as possible throughout the day, and resting in thought-free awareness, the natural perfection of life starts showing up automatically. This relaxed view about the outward environment is reflected inwardly as a quieter mind, which dispels the false, thought-based story, “I am imperfect.”

In the moments of noticing judgment, one of the most important things a perfectionist can do is bring attention into the body and feel the frustration, tension, and anger directly, without any stories or labels. This is a deep healing.

In recognizing this non-conceptual perfection, does this mean that the perfectionist no longer discriminates, no longer judges, and no longer uses her mind?

No.

This new-found way of perceiving reality is a huge breakthrough for a perfectionist! Energy gets released. A deep relaxation takes place. A perfectionist often has no idea just how much energy is being spent on judgment until that energy starts to relax. As each judgment comes to rest, the repressed anger can flow through temporarily and naturally without a need to label or suppress it. Suppression of emotion only happens when there is judgment of that emotion.

Even the thoughts of imperfection, if they continue popping up here and there, start to be seen as perfect as they are, which allows the voice of self-judgment to quiet.

The desire to perfect “resting in non-conceptual presence” as a practice releases as one begins to see more and more that everything, from rest to thinking, is seen to be perfect as it is. There is no way to “get experience wrong.”  Experience is as it is, whatever the form. When perfection is seen even in the thoughts and emotions, the perfectionist is no longer trying to improve (perfect) himself. The perfectionist identity is seen through.

*Photo by Evan Ludes

Scott continues to successfully use the Unfindable Inquiry on stories that seem to make up the core of who a person believes she is.

Through the years of meeting with people one-on-one, Scott has come to see that just about everyone suffers from some version of the “I am inadequate” story.

The story shows up in a variety of ways such as “I am not enough,” “I am incomplete,” “I am unloved,” “I don’t count,” “I am imperfect,” “I am powerless,” and “I am bad.”

These stories often reveal themselves in relationship. For example, a partner says or does something and this core sense of self gets triggered. It’s like a wound (i.e., a deep sense of hurt) that rushes to the surface, creating all sorts of personal suffering and conflict.

People often call Scott believing that they need to “work on” issues they have with a partner, mother, or friend. Fixing relationships is such an arduous task. It’s also largely unnecessary once that core wounded self is seen through.

In these moments when people get triggered in relationship, anger, fear, or some other afflictive emotion arises along with a fight or flight response. But upon looking deeper, the other is merely reflecting back this core sense of inadequacy in the person. The very sense of being separate often carries with it a corresponding sense of “There is something wrong with ME.”

Scott calls this central story that seems to lie at the core of who we think we are a “wound.” It is more than just a story or a couple of viewpoints. There is often deep emotional pain and physical contraction around this story. The wound gets triggered not only in relationship, but in careers and anything else in life that raises issues of the worth and value of a person.

For years, Scott’s approach was to point directly to presence or non-conceptual awareness only. And, although this is still helpful, he came to find that if one does not see this core self as empty, freedom and well-being continue to seem somehow out of reach. Not seeing through this core, wounded self causes people to continue seeking the future for release.  It sometimes results in a bottomless pit of self-analysis. The idea behind the analysis is this:  if I can just understand myself and how I operate and react to others, I can find freedom. But that kind of thinking usually doesn’t work. And it often solidifies the notion that there is a separate person there, wounded at the very core.

Scott helps the person see that there really is no wound there at all. It’s merely a series of thoughts, emotions, and sensations that appear welded together, making what seems like a fixed, concrete, separate self that is deeply hurt at the core.

Using the Unfindable Inquiry in the Living Realization text, he pulls up each thought, emotion, and sensation in that story, one by one, and asks: “is this the self?”

The wounded self is seen to be unfindable. And this unfindability is not an intellectual understanding. It is the direct experience of a freedom that no amount of self-analysis can reveal. It’s the seeing that there is no self there to be inadequate, incomplete, imperfect, bad, wrong, unloved, or powerless.

Read more on how the core wound can be seen through in all relationship.

READ next article: Emotions Are a Doorway

Letting all appearances be as they are means relaxing into your present experience, in whatever way it is appearing.

At first, emotions (especially negative ones) may seem like barriers to relaxing into our present experience, until we start to see them differently.

When emotions arise, we are often in our heads only—running through the viewpoints on which we usually rely (i.e., blaming, complaining, reacting, excessive storytelling).

Letting an emotion be as it is means being aware of it directly, without trying to analyze, alleviate, neutralize, or get rid of it. Don’t think about emotions. Feel them!

Just noticing internal resistance to emotion can be enough. The viewpoints of blaming, complaining, reacting, and excessive storytelling are internal resistances to the direct experiencing of emotions.

Resistance may also be physical. Our muscles may tighten up when we are angry or fearful. Tension or stress can arise along with emotion. Another form of resistance to emotions is the movement towards some external food, substance, or activity to make us feel better.

Letting an emotion be is not the same as acting out on that emotion. Our usual way of dealing with emotion is directing it towards ourselves or others. This merely perpetuates the blame game, keeping us locked in separation and conflict.

In all of these situations, we are resisting, mentally and physically, the natural flow of energy that comes with the arising of emotion.

These movements of tension, stress, physical reaction, and viewpoints surrounding emotion have been largely unseen for most of our lives. All of these movements of resistance come from a basic belief that negative emotions are bad and that we need to be free of them all. This belief just keeps them around and keeps them recurring. Whatever we resist persists. Whatever we suppress remains dormant within us, waiting for the next trigger. Until we begin to allow emotions directly, without resistance and without relying on viewpoints, we continue seeking the future for release. We continue avoiding, resisting, using substances to feel better, and blaming others for our emotions.

To let an emotion be as it is means to fully allow the energy of the emotion, without the filter of thought, to arise freely, uninterruptedly, and openly within the space of the body. Just noticing the space around an emotion is a good start. Notice that the space has no agenda towards the emotion. It is not trying to blame others or even get rid of the emotion. That space is not even labeling the emotion as “fear” or “anger” or “emotion.” That space just allows the energy to be there fully. This is acceptance.

The simple act of noticing these previously unseen movements becomes an opening to relax as the open space in which everything comes and goes. In this way, emotions become a doorway into the recognition of awareness, not a barrier to it.

*Pic Shlomi Nissim

READ next article: The Boomerang Inquiry

The Boomerang Inquiry is designed to penetrate through the belief in being deficient.

The deficiency story is like a false script, a fundamental lie about who we really are that we carry around, from childhood into adulthood.  It’s directly related to the belief in being a separate person.  In reality, there isn’t a deficient, separate self; we just believe that there is.

The deficient self comes in many forms:  unlovable self, weak self, powerless self, inadequate self, unacknowledged self, abandoned self, invalid self, unimportant self, or some other version of the story, “I’m not good enough” or “There is something wrong with me.”

Relationship Is a Mirror

Before explaining how the Boomerang Inquiry works, let’s look at relationship.  Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect.  As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core deficient self.  When the deep wound that lies at its heart is triggered, we experience pain and suffering.  This lie hurts, and it is responsible for much of the difficulty that we experience in relationships.  If the pain gets too much, we may find ourselves trying to avoid it, blame others for it, or medicate it.  We have a tendency to believe that others are the source of the pain.  But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.

Here are a few signs indicating that the deficiency story has been activated in relationship:

• Insisting on being right and making others wrong
• Seeking love, praise, attention, acknowledgement, or approval from others
• Comparing ourselves to others as better or worse
• Belittling, ridiculing, or bullying others
• Trying to control or manipulate others
• Recoiling in the face of conflict out of fear when it would be more authentic to speak our minds
• Judging others negatively or complaining about them
• Expressing anger and other emotions in unhealthy, destructive ways
• Alienating ourselves and avoiding certain painful relationships
• Acting on selfish ambition
• Suppressing painful emotions and not expressing how we really feel
• Feeling jealous or envious of others

Much of this mind activity comes from being afraid to look directly at who we have falsely taken ourselves to be.  The others in our lives are constantly mirroring this illusion of a core deficient self back to us.

If you look, the mirroring effect is happening in every direction.  Having a view of others as successful often mirrors back an unsuccessful self.  When a loved one does not respond to you in the way you expected, or a romantic relationship ends, this often mirrors back an unlovable self.  Attractive people may mirror back an unattractive self.  People who look important in the world may mirror back an unimportant self, or an unworthy self.  When someone judges or criticizes you, this may mirror back a self that feels wrong.  When others appear arrogant or authoritative, this may reflect back a weak, insignificant, or small self.  If others appear powerful, you may feel less powerful or powerless.

It’s not just other people.  Anything can reflect deficiency back to you.  An addiction to a drug or problems with money, mirror back a self that is lacking.  Past events may reflect that you are currently a victim.  Future things like enlightenment, recovery, and self-improvement may point back to a self that seems presently incomplete.

It’s not always just a simple play of opposites.  The outer circumstances in your life, no matter what they are, generally reflect something back about how you view your self.  If outer circumstances appear inadequate, you may also experience yourself as inadequate.  The point is that the inner and the outer are one, no matter how you slice it.  Whatever seems to appear “out there” reflects, in some way, what appears “in here”—in the self identity.

In its most basic sense, pointing outward at others through the mirror of relationship means looking to people and things outside ourselves for our self-esteem.  All this outward pointing leaves us blind to what we believe about ourselves.  It’s that blindness that is doing all the outward pointing and seeking.

How the Boomerang Inquiry Works

1. Use the mirror. Whenever you are triggered in relationship, find out what deficiency story this person or thing is mirroring back to you.
2. Name it. Give the deficient self a specific name (e.g., unlovable self, unfulfilled self, lacking self, incomplete self, broken self, unsuccessful self, unsafe self or invalid self).
3. Find it. Try to find this deficient self, using the UI.

You can see that the Boomerang Inquiry is very similar to the Unfindable Inquiry found in the e-book Living Realization; it simply adds a new first step—using the mirror of relationship to find out what you believe about yourself.  Just keep in mind that the Boomerang Inquiry applies whenever you are investigating how something outside yourself seems to bring up your sense of deficiency.

The Boomerang Inquiry: An Example

Tricia: My husband, Brian, triggers me almost every day.  I catch him looking at other women.  I notice that he doesn’t listen to me and this really bothers me.  I’ve tried talking to him about emotions, but he can’t talk about them.  He says I’m overreacting to everything.

Scott: In those moments when you catch him looking at other women, how do you feel about yourself?

Tricia: Ugly.  I feel like I’m not good enough for him.

Scott: How about the times when he isn’t listening to you, or doesn’t want to talk about the things you wish to talk about?

Tricia: I feel as if he is shutting me out and that hurts.

Scott: Now name the deficient self.  If you could reduce this whole story about how he makes you feel to one specific kind of deficient self, what would it be?  Reduce it down to something that really feels like you at the core.

Tricia: I’m unlovable.  That sums it up completely.

Scott: Now find it.  Try to find that unlovable self.  Relax and just notice the capacity to be aware of thoughts coming and going.  Look right at the words, “I’m unlovable.”  Are those words you—the unlovable self?  If it helps, you can imagine putting those words in a picture frame in your mind, to really isolate them so you can look directly at them.

Tricia: Let me take a moment.  Are the words, “I’m unlovable” me?  Yes, that’s me.  That’s how I feel about myself.

Scott: When words feel like who you are, it just means some emotion or sensation is arising along with the words.  But the emotion or sensation is unconscious.  In other words, you aren’t directly aware of it.  Take a moment, bring attention into your body, and see what emotion or sensation is arising.

Tricia: Sadness.

Scott: Look right at the word, “sadness.”  Frame it.  Is that you—the unlovable self?

Tricia: No, that’s clearly just a word.

Scott: Let that word fall away and bring attention back into your body.  Can you feel the energy that you are calling sadness?  Not the word sadness, but the actual energy in your body?

Tricia: Yes.

Scott: Take a moment and just notice that you are presently aware of that energy, without a name for it.  Gently observe that energy.  Is that energy you—the unlovable person?

Tricia: Yes, that’s me.

Scott: Whenever an emotion or sensation feels like you, it just means there are some words or mental pictures arising along with it.  If you just take a moment and look into your mind, what words or pictures are arising along with that energy?

Tricia: The words, “I’ve always had this problem with men.”

Scott: Look right at those words.  Are those words you—the unlovable self?

Tricia: Those are just words.  When I looked at them, they fell away.

Scott: Bring attention back into your body.  Do you feel that energy still?

Tricia: Yes.

Scott: Look again at that energy, without labeling it.  Just let all words and pictures come to rest.  Observe.  Is that energy you?

Tricia: No, that’s just energy.  And it dissolved as soon as those words dissolved.

Scott: Bring up a memory of the last time Brian was not listening to you and you felt hurt.

Tricia: That’s not hard.  He did it this morning.

Scott: Look directly at that mental picture of you talking this morning, while he is not listening.  Frame it, if that helps.  Is that picture you?

Tricia: No, that’s just a memory.  It’s not me.

Scott: Look at the words, “He looks at other women.”  Are those words you—the unlovable person?  Stick to yes or no.  Don’t elaborate.

Tricia: No.

Scott: How about, “He doesn’t listen to me and this bothers me?”

Tricia: No.

Scott: Just rest as awareness, and scan the space of your inner body.  Let any thought, emotion, or sensation arise naturally.  Where is the unlovable person?  Can you find her?

Tricia: I don’t know what you mean.

Scott: You have come to me saying that you are an unlovable person.  I assume that this is who you have taken yourself to be for many years, right?

Tricia: Yes, since childhood.

Scott: If this is really who you are, shouldn’t you be able to find that unlovable person right now?  When a child is looking for an Easter egg, she is not ambivalent about what she is looking for.  Either she spots it or she doesn’t.  If there is an unlovable person sitting with me here right now, can you point me to her?

Tricia: Yes, it’s me.

Scott: Are the words, “It’s me” the unlovable self?

Tricia: Ha ha, no!  Just words.

Scott: Look for the unlovable person.

Tricia: It seems to be in my name.

Scott: Look directly and only at the word “Tricia.”  Is that the unlovable person?

Tricia: No, but it seems to point to her.

Scott: Find the unlovable person that’s right here.  Not just words pointing to her.  Find HER.

Tricia: I can’t.  Wait, yes, I can.  I see the thought, “I know he loves me but I don’t feel it.”

Scott: Are those words you, the unlovable person?

Tricia: Well, intellectually, I know they are just words.  But there is sadness arising again.

Scott: Bring your attention into the body to feel that energy without words and pictures.  Is that energy you?

Tricia: No.  I cannot find the unlovable me at all.  I’m now just sitting here in peace, feeling totally free of that story.  I can see the memory of my dad.  He was cold.  But when I look right at that picture, I can see it’s not me, the unlovable person.  Wait, there’s a picture in my mind of me as a ten year old girl.  That’s the unlovable me.

Scott: Is that picture of the girl you, the unlovable self?

Tricia: I can see it’s just a picture.  I went straight into the body to feel the energy of sadness and it washed through.  No, it’s not me.  Wow, I’ve been in this story for a long time.  I can’t find her, the unlovable self.

Scott: Take a look at Brian again in your mind.  Does the sense that you are an unlovable person arise when you look at him?  Is the boomerang at work again?

Tricia: No, he looks perfect just as he is.  I can see I love him.  Actually, it’s more than that.  It’s just love.  I don’t feel like it’s missing.  This was just a story I was placing on him.  Thank you, thank you.  This is as clear as day now.  I feel so much lighter!

Scott: Yes, and when the story is, “I’m unlovable,” we believe others contain our love, withholding it from us.

Tricia: What a cruel joke!

Conclusion 

Like a boomerang, Tricia has sent the message out that she feels like an unloved person.  She’s played the part, and spoken the language of an unloved person.  She has consistently reacted to Brian from that belief about herself, interpreting his actions as unloving.  Whether Brian’s actions have been objectively unloving makes no difference to Tricia’s story.  The interpretation was happening in Tricia’s mind.  The boomerang of, “I’m unloved” came right back to Tricia.

When we believe we are deficient at the core, there is an unconscious drive within us to attract people and situations that confirm that story.  We repeat the same pattern in our relationships.  We continually interpret the actions of others according to that story.  We may even unconsciously sabotage relationships.  In these ways, we solidify the story over and over, until that deficient self is seen through.

Notice that, near the end, Scott asked Tricia to look again at Brian, once she couldn’t find the unlovable person.  When she looked at him, she no longer felt that trigger.  The deficient self was seen through.  The old script of, “I’m an unlovable person” was no longer operating.  Once that story is seen to be unfindable, love is seen to be our true nature.  We naturally stop throwing the boomerang out because the story of deficiency is absent.  Others cannot return what we no longer throw out to them.

• Are you are interested in doing this Boomerang Inquiry in a Private Session?
• I also recommend you read the Living Realization text before meeting with me. The text helps tremendously in giving you context for the Boomerang Inquiry.
• Hundreds of people have benefited greatly from these inquiries. Please take a moment to forward this email to those in your life that might be interested in or benefit from the this sharing.

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*Click here to read a small selection of testimonials. 

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THE TRIANGLE OF THE SELF CENTER

Although the root of the self center is the “I” thought, the self center is more involved than that. Living Realization uses the term, “the triangle of the self center,” to describe all the ‘conceptual stuff’ that makes it appear that you are a story in time, like a movie.

The word “triangle” points to the three bundles of thought within that story: past, future, and present resistance. The self center is created and maintained through repeatedly identifying with and emphasizing the thoughts within these three bundles, instead of recognizing awareness as one’s real identity. You are that to which thoughts appear and disappear. You are not the thoughts themselves.

Take a moment now and just be aware of the voice in your head. Do this throughout the day, resting in awareness each time you notice the voice. What is the voice telling you about who you are, what has happened to you, and what may or may not happen in the future? Whatever it is telling you, that is your story—your self center. Whatever the content, it isn’t ultimately true and it isn’t you. See Chapter Nine: Core Story for a more detailed explanation of the content of our stories.

There is no reason to add to, analyze, change, neutralize, or get rid of the story. Just rest as awareness as often as possible, letting all these thoughts be exactly as they are. The movement to add to, analyze, change, neutralize, or get rid of the story just adds more to the voice in your head. It adds additional layers to the story. Relax and just rest, as often as possible, and just be alert to the content of your story. This practice of simply seeing and resting, alone, is tremendously powerful in waking you up out of the sense of being the self center.

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1. The Past Bundle

The past is considered “who you are.” This bundle of thoughts includes everything you know conceptually about who you are and what life is. More specifically, this bundle includes your name, your identity, details about your family and childhood, your education, history, the roles you play, the titles you wear, and all other aspects of your personal story. This bundle includes all political, religious, spiritual and other ideas, opinions, and beliefs you hold, all of which are also part of your story whether you see it or not. This bundle includes any mental identification you have as a member of a group. When you say, “I am a Christian,” “I am a Muslim,” “I am a scientist,” “I am an American,” or “I am a Russian,” these are all concepts that provide a sense of being a separate self. They give you identity, separate and apart from others.

This past bundle includes all your ideas about the world and reality itself. Simply stated, the past bundle includes anything that apparently happened in the past or any idea that was formed in the past but that has now been reduced to a memory (i.e., a thought) and become a part of the conceptual story called “me and my life” or “life the way I see it.”

The only real point here is that these are all concepts. Everything you think about yourself is just that . . . a thought. It’s a learned idea. When we speak and act only from these learned ideas, we are like conditioned puppets, repeating and rehashing ideas that have been given to us. Nothing fresh or new comes into that loop. And so we continue acting within the same repetitive patterns. We continue entering into the same relationships, getting upset at the same things, arguing with the same people, and seeking the same pleasures and achievements in the future. We have no choice. This loop of thought controls our every move.

The bottom line is this: no matter what you think about yourself, it isn’t what you are. It is a thought. If you visited Texas, you would not walk up to the “Welcome to Texas” sign and claim adamantly that the sign is Texas itself. The sign is only a sign. It represents or points to something. In the same way, every concept within the past bundle represents or points to something. It points to your real identity, which is present awareness. You would not confuse the “Welcome to Texas” sign with Texas itself. In the same way, Living Realization invites you to stop looking to past concepts for a sense of who or what you presently are. Instead, simply take a moment right now, or any other time throughout the day when it is convenient, and recognize that which is looking, which is awareness itself. In doing this, it becomes clear and obvious that your real identity is the awareness to which all these thoughts appear and disappear.

This discovery has a profound effect on our lives. It naturally provides mental and emotional stability. It resolves an identity crisis we may not even know we were suffering from. In resolving that crisis, life begins to flow naturally and effortlessly. We live in joy and acceptance, instead of frustration, stress, sadness, fear and resistance. And yet, everything is allowed, including frustration, stress, sadness, fear, and resistance. These appearances are no longer seen to happen to a person. They are happening to awareness. Each appearance is seen to be equal, which means that it does the same thing—it appears, hangs around for a while, and then disappears. And awareness has no agenda to add to, change, neutralize, or get rid of the appearances. In the recognition of awareness, all is accepted, good and bad, just as it is.

The main point here is that there is nothing to add to, analyze, know, neutralize, overcome, figure out, get rid of, or do with any of the thoughts that appear from the past bundle. Just recognize that they are all concepts. You are not a concept. As each thought arises, simply notice it. In noticing, you don’t let go of the thought. It falls away naturally on its own, resolving itself back into present awareness. It leaves no trace.

If you begin to experience difficulty, frustration, or effort in recognizing awareness and letting all thoughts be as they are, just ask yourself: does it take any effort to let the next thought arise and fall? In seeing that it takes no effort, the next thought is allowed to be just as it is, and the next thought, and the next. Don’t force these thoughts to go away. Just take moments of resting in non-conceptual awareness as you notice a thought come to rest naturally on its own, like a snowflake falling to the ground. See that you are this space in which the thoughts come and go. You are the space in which the sense of difficulty, frustration, and effort arise and fall.

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2. The Future Bundle

The future is considered “who you are going to become.” This bundle of thoughts includes everything you know or think you know conceptually about the future “you.” More specifically, this bundle includes stories about the next moment, tomorrow, next week, next year, and the rest of your life. Simply stated, it is anything that you believe needs to happen in the future for you to be more fully yourself or anything that you fear will happen in the future that will threaten your sense of self.

This bundle includes thoughts of future fulfillment with regard to relationships, jobs, career, money, material items, fame, prestige, attention, praise, and acknowledgement. All of these concepts fall under the umbrella of hope. The central, mostly unconscious, fuel behind each idea surrounding hope is as follows: I hope X will happen. If X happens, I will be ok. If X doesn’t happen, I won’t be OK. And so we try to manipulate appearances, believing ourselves to be this self center, all in an attempt to control future outcomes. We seek towards the future. This is an identity crisis. Hope revolves around the issue of identity. We are looking to the future to know that the self center will be OK. This seeking stops when we realize what we really are—awareness. We see that the future is really nothing more than presently arising thoughts, coming and going to awareness. In that realization, hope is no longer needed. We discover that we are eternally OK right now, and therefore always.

The future bundle is not only about hope. The flipside of hope is fear. The future bundle also includes any fearful thoughts about the future including failure, job loss, financial difficulty, divorce, embarrassment, illness, suffering and death. The central, mostly unconscious, fuel behind each idea surrounding fear is as follows: I fear that Y will happen. If Y happens, I will be threatened or will die. I have to make sure Y doesn’t happen. And so we try to manipulate appearances, believing ourselves to be this self center, all in an attempt to control future outcomes. In continuing to think about the future, we are avoiding the fear arising directly in our bodies. See Chapter Four: Emotions for a discussion of facing fear directly instead of trying to control outcomes through thinking. This avoidance of fear in the body keeps us locked in the grip of the future bundle. We are at the mercy of whatever fearful scenario thought conjures up. This is exhausting, mentally and emotionally. On the extreme end, it causes high anxiety and even panic attacks, which make it difficult for us to function in our lives.

In realizing that the future is really only presently arising thought coming and going in what we really are—awareness—we naturally relax. The fear is seen to dissolve into awareness whenever it arises, leaving no trace. We find that we don’t have to control outcomes. We can just let appearances be as they are. The voice in our heads starts to quiet. And even if the voice does not quiet, it no longer feels like thought is pointing to a future separate and apart from the awareness in which thoughts of future arise. We find peace with life either way.

The point here is that there is nothing to analyze, know, neutralize, overcome, figure out, get rid of, understand, or do with any of the thoughts that appear from the future bundle, regardless of whether the thoughts surround the notion of hope or fear. Just recognize that they are all concepts. You are not a concept. By continuously entertaining the future bundle, the self center is being maintained. This self feels separate and looks to future for completion. But completion cannot be found in time. Time is merely another thought. In other words, there is no way to entertain the notion of a next moment, a tomorrow, a next month, or a next year without thinking. Each of those is merely a concept appearing and disappearing within present awareness, which is what you really are.

Keep this simple: as each thought about the future appears, simply notice it. In noticing, you don’t let go of the thought. It falls away naturally on its own, resolving itself effortless back into present awareness. It leaves no trace because it is not appearing to a story. It is appearing to awareness, which is what you are. Recognizing awareness as your real identity resolves the identity crisis completely. The search for future dissolves in this seeing. Hope is no longer needed. It is seen as a fiction, something that was necessarily only until you realized the freedom and completeness inherent in the recognition of awareness. Fear no longer runs your life. It is seen to be based on a misperception, a future that exists only within a personal story, a self center. When it is seen that the self center is not your real identity, the fear that has been running that story dissolves.

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3. The Present Resistance Bundle

The third bundle of thoughts within the triangle is the present resistance bundle. The self center keeps its sense of separation alive by resisting what is happening right now. This bundle of thoughts includes any mental interpretations of the present moment, especially those that are in resistance to your present experience including blaming, complaining, judging, comparing, and any other thought that makes it appear that something that is happening now ought not to be happening. Just notice what is happening in your present experience. Someone or something is bugging you, frustrating you, not moving fast enough, moving too fast, not being attentive enough, getting in your way, being mean, being too nice, not listening enough, or not doing what you want him or her to do. These are all thoughts coming from the self center that believes separation is real, that there really is a person here separate from what is happening “out there.” No such separation exists. It’s all a mental fiction.

The point here is that there is nothing to analyze, know, neutralize, overcome, figure out, get rid of, understand, or do with any of the thoughts that appear from the present resistance bundle. Just recognize that they are all concepts. You are not a concept. By continuously entertaining thoughts from this bundle, the self center is maintained. This self center is fueled by continuously resisting, through mental interpretation, what is happening in the present moment.

As each thought of present resistance appears, simply notice it. In noticing, you don’t let go of the thought. It falls away naturally. It leaves no trace. Notice that awareness is present when the thought falls away. Present awareness is what you are. In recognizing awareness, you see that awareness is naturally and effortlessly accepting of whatever is happening right now. You also see that whatever is happening is an appearance within awareness. You see that no appearance can appear without awareness. This is the seeing that appearances are inseparable from awareness. This is the true meaning of acceptance.

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…of Teacher and Student.

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Relationship, of any kind, can so easily become a game of ego positioning —where one party uses knowledge or insight to “power” against or dominate the other. This is especially possible in any teacher/student relationship.

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So is there such a thing as a teacher? If so, what is the role of a teacher?

In Living Realization, we say that nothing exists inherently (separately). All things exist only conventionally, which means they exist only because we designate them conceptually (i.e., through thought). Ultimately, there are no teachers and students. Rest for one moment in non-conceptual awareness and see that the concepts of teacher and student do not arise. You can see that the notion of teacher and student arises only when language —conceptuality —is present. These things are not there when there is no conceptualization. No separate things arise in non-conceptuality —no friends, trees, people, planets, plumbers, chefs, or anything else. Teacher and student designations are conceptual only.

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Do these designations provide any benefit?

Yes, they can provide benefit. In Living Realization, we want to point out the potential for benefit in these conventional relationships, while avoiding extreme views and ego positioning.

Someone who has experienced freedom can help another person to experience that same freedom. It’s that simple! We never have to make it any more complicated than that. You might call a plumber to help with a water leak or a chef to show you how to bake a cake. Similarly, if you are suffering, seeking, or finding a lot of conflict in your life, you might look to someone who has experience seeing through those things. If the word teacher is problematic, we can use guide, coach, or even friend (or some other conventional label that feels “right”).

The teacher/student relationship comes with a big warning: it should not be used as a way to solidify the identity of teacher v. student or to treat these as truly separately existing ego-based identities. When we treat these identities as truly existing, the relationship can become a game of ego positioning involving power, control, and attachment. It’s a subtle act of violence when humans really believe they are “above” or “beyond” others. Most good spiritual teachers know that they are not truly teachers. They embody humility, even if they are sometimes stern and ruthless in their approaches.

In ego positioning, the dominated student must stay in that role for the relationship to work. The student is relegated to “the one who doesn’t know or see.” The teacher is treated as “the one who knows and sees.” Conventionally, there may be some accuracy to these designations, as those who play the teacher role may have some insight and tools to provide others. But ultimately, these are conceptual facades. They are empty identities. The roles of teacher v. student, when treated as truly existing, solidify separation, keeping ego (i.e., self center) in place on both sides of the coin. This is ultimately not healthy for either party.

These ego relationships are not built to truly free the student, who is being told, either explicitly or implicitly, from the beginning, that she is subordinate. The only way the student can rise up and “be free” is if she agrees with everything (or most everything) the teacher says. There is often no room for challenges against the teacher’s position or the words of the teaching itself. It’s either take it and “be awakened” or leave. And so the student, if she follows through, experiences some degree of freedom but then takes on all the mental-speak and positions of the teacher or teaching. It is so easy to become hypnotized into just repeating what a teaching says. Our memories are like sponges, absorbing everything. So the potential for using a teaching as a belief system is always there. The student becomes a teacher and parrots the words of her teacher or the teaching, repeating the same stuff, creating the same roles, using power in relationships over others. It’s a cycle that perpetuates itself, solidifying separation.

This can happen in a strict, devotional guru/student relationship or even in a lighter, less structured atmosphere. For example, even a teaching that claims not to solidify this power struggle continues to do it in subtle ways. One way this happens is when the teaching itself leaves the student with the belief that the teaching is the right and only way or method for realizing freedom. In that case, the student is not ultimately free in the end, having been hypnotized into a new, subtle belief system, where the student repeats the words of the teaching as bedrock, solid “truth.”

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In our contemporary atmosphere, many people desire to move away from this old paradigm.

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In Living Realization, we speak of the Middle Way, which is freedom from dualistic extremes. This is freedom from the extreme view that everything exists separately and the extreme view that nothing exists. If we believe that there really are separately existing teachers and students, the ego positioning tends to arise. Yet if we believe that there are no teachers and students and that ultimately nothing exists, we might fall into nihilism or fundamentalism or lose the benefit of a message of freedom or the guidance from someone who has experienced freedom. In the Middle Way, we are free of both the ego positioning of the rigid teacher/student paradigm but also of the potential for nihilism in the extreme views that “there are no teachers and students” and therefore no one can benefit from anyone else.

This places us in a new way of looking at any teaching or set of tools designed to help us realize freedom.

In the Middle Way, we are aware, from the very beginning of these relationships, of the tendency towards ego positioning. These are “aware relationships” where each side is respectful of the other but also feels free to criticize and shine a light on ego positioning. Each side is free to leave the relationship at any time. Being respectful includes not interfering with others’ ability to listen and participate in meetings.

We remain aware of the dangers of treating the identities of teacher and student as ultimately real and existing. Yet we retain the benefit of being with someone who can help. We know that the roles are conventional only. So therefore we avoid the violence and power struggle. The goal of Living Realization is freedom at all costs, including at the cost of these rigid roles of teacher v. student.

The Living Realization teaching itself is designed to self-destruct. In Living Realization, you are encouraged to use the text and meetings to the fullest benefit and to participate fully in the offering, coming back as often as you prefer. Yet you are free to leave at any time. The goal of Living Realization, as a message, is to ultimately have no one return. This means that, once freedom is realized and we begin looking into our own experience, we find less need to rely on the language of Living Realization and on any teacher, teaching, or message. Instead of being completely ensnared into teacher/student roles or into the language of Living Realization, we experience a natural capacity to be and act in the world free of fixed conceptions of reality and extreme views.  We experience the ability to discriminate between what is healthy and unhealthy in our lives without a need to impose that upon others.  And we experience compassion and wisdom in all of our relationships and a respect for the diversity of views, including those that are different from our own.

This is about freedom, above all else…your everyday freedom!

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