Somewhere along the way through life, often in our early years, we begin to believe a lie about who we really are. And the lie sticks to us like ←Velcro because we unconsciously repeat it to ourselves as we grow into adulthood.

I call that lie the “core deficient self.” It’s that part of our identity that makes up the core story of who [we think] we are. This story comes in many forms, but it’s usually some version of, “There’s something wrong with me.”

The belief in self-deficiency is related directly to the belief in separation as discussed in the Living Realization e-book. The story, “There’s something wrong with me,” becomes intrinsically tied to the belief, “I am a separate person.” This is the birth of the inner lie that fuels the cycle of pointing outward and seeking outside ourselves for what we believe we lack within.

As we develop through life, relationship becomes like a mirror. We start looking for what seems to be missing within us. If it seems that our parents did not fill in the missing hole, or even that they created the sense of deficiency by not providing what we needed as children, we look to fill up that hole in other relationships throughout life. As the story of deficiency gains momentum, we become convinced that love, validation, security, completion, approval, importance, worthiness, and other desirable qualities exist outside ourselves. We long for these apparently missing qualities. We long for the wholeness we believe we have lost through believing ourselves to be separate from one another.

It is only natural that we would look to our relationships for what seems to be lacking. As we experience hurt, invalidation, abandonment, insecurity, rejection, incompletion or disapproval in relationship, the sense of separation is strengthened. We continue searching outside ourselves, never truly and permanently filling up the hole we perceive to be inside of us. And so the core story of deficiency is continuously strengthened also, repeating itself over and over. By the time we are adults, deficiency becomes the program that drives so many of our actions in relationship and life in general. Everything we believe about ourselves is mirrored back to us by others precisely because we bring our core identities into every relationship.




The Living Relationship e-book is a companion to the Living Realization book. Living Relationship deals directly with the sense of deficiency that gets triggered in relationship. The Living Relationship e-book contains three different inquiries: the Unfindable Inquiry, the Boomerang Inquiry and the Panorama Inquiry. Together, these are called “The Living Inquiries.”  They are designed to uproot and penetrate through the most deeply held beliefs in separation and deficiency as they show up in relationships. If you are reading this page, you may be ready to see through these beliefs, face the emotional wound within you, and realize a deep and profound love, peace, freedom and wisdom. You are ready to harmonize all your relationships.



How the Boomerang Inquiry Works

1. Use the mirror. Whenever you are triggered in relationship, find out what deficiency story this person or thing is mirroring back to you.

2. Name it. Give the deficient self a specific name (e.g., unlovable self, unfulfilled self, lacking self, incomplete self, broken self, unsuccessful self, unsafe self or invalid self).

3. Find it. Try to find this deficient self, using the UI.



You can see that the Boomerang Inquiry is very similar to the Unfindable Inquiry (found in the e-book Living Realization). It simply adds a new first step—using the mirror of relationship to find out what you believe about yourself. Just keep in mind that the Boomerang Inquiry applies whenever you are investigating how something or something outside yourself seems to bring up your sense of deficiency. The triggering evokes an emotional or sensory response in the body. Thoughts and emotions can feel welded together. There is a strong identification with self happening in those moments.

The Boomerang Inquiry is a tool that helps you release the belief about yourself. It provides the direct seeing that there is no self to be triggered, only thoughts, feelings, and sensations. The inquiry reveals the emptiness of the self. Emptiness is referring to the direct seeing that the deficient self that got triggered in that relationship is unfindable—nothing more than a play of words and pictures that no longer carry any suffering. In seeing the emptiness of it, the relationship automatically harmonizes. There is an instant release from the conflict in relationship and a corresponding peace, openness, and love.



The Panorama Inquiry


Imagine yourself sitting in the middle of a room, with all the people and other things in your life placed around you in a circle. Scan around the whole circle. As you look at each person or thing, notice how it appears to reflect back that you are deficient in some way. This panoramic view of your relationships will help you see and name the particular deficient self that you take yourself to be. The Panorama Inquiry is based on looking at all your relationships in this way.

The Panorama Inquiry works this way:


1. Create a circle and scan it. Create an imaginary circle of the people and things in your life. As you are scanning around the circle, stop whenever you feel triggered in any way.

2. Name it. Name the deficient self that this person or thing appears to mirror back to you.

3. Find it. Try to find that deficient self using the Unfindable Inquiry.

4. Repeat. Scan the circle again, repeating steps 1 – 3 for each person or thing that triggers you.



In not being able to find the deficient self no matter whom or what you see in the circle, the deficient self is being seen through in all of its incarnations. No stone is left unturned. A greater and more profound insight may arise with this inquiry, as you begin to see the depth to which the deficiency story has been operating in so many of your relationships and endeavors.